Conflict is within and around everyone, every day. It is disappointment with the server at lunch, frustration on the freeway, hostility from a co-worker, anger with a spouse, fury from a child, outrage about politicians, and a lot of other things. It is certainly a big part of your entertainment – think about your favorite motion pictures and television. It is also the basis of many popular sports – American football, hockey, and soccer, for example.

It may be in you, or in the people around you, or both. It may be obvious, or hidden. But, conflict is an internal process that manifests externally. 90% is inside you – and this is the real substance of the conflict.

If you doubt that conflict is primarily an internal process, look at someone who is in conflict at the moment when there is a real solution. You can often see their relief. You may actually see them stand-up straighter, or smile, or just feel good.

When you participate in conflict, it lessens your quality of life. When conflict is truly solved you feel more trust, confidence and connection with others. This develops reservoirs of good will that make future differences less painful and easier to resolve.

Just as the break in a bone heals to be stronger than it was before the fracture, conflict well-solved grows organizations that are more cohesive and collaborative. The results can be seen in a number of ways, such as reduced absenteeism, increased job satisfaction, and even as more profitability.

Acceptance of this simple understanding is a beginning for your liberation.

When something in a conflict resonates with you subconsciously, you may have a strong instinctive reaction. The emotional or physical response may even seem overwhelming.

You may want to blame the other person for causing your feelings or reactions. What bothers me may not even cause you to blink. The cause of the discomfort is in you, as the person feeling it. The other person is not causing your feelings or reactions.

We can help you find those moments that give you better choices. What you say and do can inflame and expand a conflict, or calm it. Each of us has a moment of choice before we act, and you can choose to act for the better.

Right now, start by acting as though you are one hundred percent accountable for all of your actions and reactions. You can adopt this as a workable position, and act as though it is completely true even if you doubt its truth. Adopting this position will help eliminate feelings of being a victim, and it will reduce blaming others. Additional benefits will follow. Try it!

Conflict cannot be solved by putting a structure around it, by making deals, or by setting rules for dealing with it. As a result, traditional approaches often leave people in conflict feeling manipulated, with underlying issues that can simmer and flare-up at a later time.

You can, however, obtain success when you base solutions on real-needs. People are generally not aware of their own real-needs. There is a difference between how people perceive themselves and how they actually manifest in the world. One person can rarely guess the real-needs of another for similar reasons.

Traditional conflict resolution approaches help the symptoms, but not the underlying problems. They often speak about meeting parties’ needs, but they are almost always speaking about apparent needs. This is not enough for real conflict solutions.

Working with real-needs helps you reframe problems, reevaluate goals, and refocus on the big picture – to re-form the relationship and move forward.

It's easy to find real-needs quickly when you know how.